


manes autem nocte plena pluvia

by writerofbaddecisions



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Confessions, F/M, Gen, Letters, M/M, MCD, Mental Illness, Multi, Other, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, be warned, no beta we die like men
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-16
Updated: 2020-08-16
Packaged: 2021-03-05 18:54:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25930162
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writerofbaddecisions/pseuds/writerofbaddecisions
Summary: Dear Hank,I’m writing this letter in the hopes that I get to burn it into ashes as soon as fucking possible.-It’s been 4 years, Hank, and I’ve just gotten the balls to write this letter to you , god I’m a coward.
Relationships: (one-sided), Connor/Markus (Detroit: Become Human), Hank Anderson & Connor, Markus/North (Detroit: Become Human)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 51





	manes autem nocte plena pluvia

**Author's Note:**

> READ THE TRIGGER WARNINGS IN THE TAGS 
> 
> this is about 4 years after the revolution , I'm sorry but Hank dies in Cyberlife Tower

_Dear_ ~~_Liu_~~ _Hank,_

_I ~~’m writing this letter in the hope I can die later.~~_

_~~You are going to call me a coward.~~ _

~~_I never knew Cyberlife programmed cowards_ ~~

~~_**Why why why why why why why me** _ ~~

_I’m writing this letter in the hopes that I get to burn it into ashes as soon as fucking possible. When I was staying at Jericho_ _against my will_ _after the revolution, I was “nagged” by Markus and Kara to write down my thoughts and emotions, when they learned about you. Actually, not just Markus and Kara, the “Jericho Four” work surprisingly well together if they need too. Oh Right , Simon was awakened after the revolution. Apparently it’s unhealthy for me to keep everything and anything about my feelings to myself. Bottling everything up , until the cap explodes in a frenzy, isn’t healthy apparently._

_How do I tell them that whenever I want to speak about my feelings, my throat starts to wrap it’s self up, my thiruim pump becomes more and more erratic, and by then I don’t want to speak?_

_How do I tell them I’m programmed to keep everything to myself, that emotion on your face is an obstacle in detective work?_

_It’s been 4 years, Hank, and I’ve just gotten the balls to write this letter to you , god I’m a coward._

_I’ve spoken exactly 6 times since you’ve died on the grounds of Cyberlife Tower. All of them were to reassure people that I’m fine,_ ~~_am I?_~~ _I’ve touched another “person” exactly 4 times. Markus has tried to interface with me, but I screamed every time. Now I wish I didn’t , I wish that I let him help me , maybe I wouldn’t be like this now._

_Kara interfaced with me on accident, when she was healing me. My LED used to shine against Sumo’s fur with a bright pink glow, it had been like that since the Tower. It’s crimson red these days ,and the pink has become the color of dried blood on the walls. My eyesight became worse and worse. I spent days in statis mode, praying to ra9 that I could rust away , and that Amanda would one day_ _c ~~ome back, and take me away from deviancy. I fucking hate it so much, I hate it with a passion, i hate having feelings, I hate having emotions , I hate all of it, if I wasn’t deviant I wouldn’t be crying writing this letter.~~ _ _leave my body entirely._

_Russian Roulette is a fun game, I can see why you liked it so much. It’s even better with analyzation, I can rush through and get to the fun part of it. I played it once , straight after the tower , but I accidentally wirelessly connected to Markus, and scared “the ever-living fuck” out of him. I don’t know why , I was doing a good thing for him. Sumo didn’t even bark at Markus when he smashed your door into splinters, I don’t know how you trained him._

_Markus told me later that it was because he was too busy waking me up._

~~_I don’t know why Sumo had to do that_ ~~

_Markus also told me that my arms were scraped to oblivion, that thriuim was staining the walls of your house in big bright letters that said “I’M NOT ALIVE”._

_I don’t remember any of that , but my arms always have an itching sensation nowadays._

_Your homes an absolute mess ,_ _Liuten_ _Hank, i wonder how you lived there for so long some days , but some days I understand the need to blend in and one day die. I also drank your alcohol , even though it could kill me now, I still take your whiskey._

_Sumo missed you , he was barking at 10 pm every day, waggling his tail in front of the door , panting and barking , waiting for your figure to walk through the door._

_I didn’t have the heart to tell him you would never come, I don’t even have a heart._

_I caught Sumo in the revolution , and he paid the price. You got mixed up in it , and my jacket still has your blood._

_I hope you two are having a fun time together._

_I’d be lying to myself if I said that I’m fine. I’m really not, but they don’t need to know that._

_They would be worried over me, and I don’t want that, I don’t want to make myself a burden. I already burdened them enough with the knowledge that I could kill them, that I shouldn’t be trusted._

_But they choose to take that risk, why?_

_North once told me that she worried over me sometimes, that my LED color was always on her mind._

_I ran away from Jericho after that, didn’t want her or anyone really to worry, but I guess running away does the opposite effect._

_I’ve putting off telling someone this ， I think humans call it having a crush?_

_You would probably call it unnecessary, or take out a bottle of alcohol and tell me to go on._

_Markus…… He was a wonderful guy. I could see how he became the leader of the revolution, he had the charms and the looks. He had the confidence and all of the traits of a leader, and I had all the traits of a coward._

_He was so nice to me , he trusted me even though I pointed a gun at him , god I sound so childish. But he was in love with another person, and I hate him for that. Google tells me I’m jealous, I say I’m irrational._

_I had to hold in my emotions and North’s arm during the funeral. We visited Simon’s and Josh’s graves , Markus was buried next to them._

_I had to hold in my tears , and hold Alice as she cried into my shoulder during “Aunty” North’s funeral two months later._

_Kara’s grave had just been prepared , she was buried next to Luthor side-by-side , in Jericho’s graveyard._

_Kara had taken over Lucy’s place as the resident medic , and an android had punched her head through. Luthor had died during the revolution , protecting Alice from shell-fire._

_Alice kept me alive , she kept me sane , put me back on my feet. I smiled with childish joy for the first time , and her smile brightened my day. Sumo loved her so much , they fooled around in your house , and Alice would fall asleep buried in Sumo’s fur during the winter days._

_Alice was buried next to Kara and Luthor , I refused to let the city bury her next to Todd of all people. She told me stories of him, and I was furious._

_Why am **I** destined to be the last one standing? _

_Why do **I** have to take on this role? _

_Is it selfish to wish grief and pain to another person? Another android?_

_I never did tell you this, I never got the chance too. I hate you._

_I hate that you helped me become deviant. I hate that you fucking died in my arms. I want to go back to the Philip’s apartment, back to the precinct. I want to kill Reed, he had been worrying about me, saying “I need someone to annoy”’, but the rat-man wouldn’t stop calling me to make sure I haven’t replayed Russian Roulette. Then he stopped, I learned later someone drove a knife through his chest. Sometimes I wish I killed Markus, or Markus killed me in Jericho. Maybe it would be like one of those cheesy rom-com’s, I was forced to watch. Enemies to Lovers. I could've told him , but I didn't._

_I’ve never visited your grave, or Sumo’s. Gavin had put flowers on your grave , yellow stargazer lilies, ones that represent joy and success, the irony was lost on me when he told me. I haven’t stepped foot in the precinct in a year , not since Fowler told me , he wanted to give me something._

_It was a little friendship bracelet , meant for a little kid , in letter beads read C-O-L-E._

_I’m burning it with this letter._

_I’ll be seeing you and Sumo soon,_

_Connor_

**Author's Note:**

> guys im so sorry , but come yell at me on tumblr @bad-decisions-are-my-forte
> 
> happy late birthday , Connor! Im sorry that I ruined your life , lmao


End file.
